Evil...it's just around the corner!! At your Dentist!

(ok...this was an email that I wrote, but since I wanted to blog too, it just worked.)


I'm at home again...
I don't know where to start...we all know ding dong dentist did not give me any meds. Well yesterday I woke up w/ a fever and it went on like that for a few hours, and then the puking started. So today I storm into the place and tell him what happened to me and ask, (after spitting his finger out of my mouth cuz he didn't seem to be listening) "is that normal?" to which he dicked around a few seconds too long to be convincing to anyone, then said yes...bla bla bla infection...bla bla bla...infection...bla bla bla yes, is very possible. (then under his breath "perhaps") I wanted to bite his finger off the whole time. I kept thinking, I wonder how many patients eventually do bite their dentist for whatever reason. I mean, my jaw is still sore, but I'm pretty sure i could have cut the skin if I needed to. So...normal huh? I wish you would have told me this so I didn't think I was dying. Bastard.

Then...He gave me a shot. I told him to give me two, but he doesn't like to listen. So he starts to drill around back there doing god knows what (oh he told me afterwards...i'll save it, keep reading) and i was like ok...don't feel anything...good, I'm off to my little island where dentists are stoned, and then I started thinking about (hey this sounds a lot like a blog lol) how dentists got started. I mean, who the fuck was poking around in people's mouths with sharp instruments going hmm...maybe if I touch it with this (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH). Yeah...that's when he hit the still not numb nerve. Bastard.

Now, I maybe have taken too many drugs the last few days, but I think I remember that I told him 2 fucking shots. He's like oh...you still feel pain? Uh, no. I just screamed to ruin your business. So finally he gave me another shot. Then left the room with his assistant, Anna...for 30 minutes. This is where I start to wonder, what the fuck do they do? Where do they go? Is there a little room around the corner where they're collecting money? Heh heh heh...I told you she couldn't take it with just one shot. Ha ha ha, you're right Ah-nah, here's your 50. Or do they go torture some other patient. That I find hard to believe cuz it was only me, him and four dental assistants the whole time, until I left. So I'm thinking they just go have coffee in the side room until they think it's working. Anyway, they come back 30 minutes later, and I'm struggling to stay awake cuz I'm BORED, but at least my mouth doesn't hurt...and he goes to straight to work with a rude, you no feel nothing now? Uh..no ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
(scary drill)

I do my second is-the-shit-working-yet test and start to think that watching the Sopranos on DVD has really fucked with my head, because I'd love for his guy to be wacked. In a dentist chair w/o local anesthesia or however you fuckin spell it. It was working because I had time to play out that whole fantasy, and then he started pushing my jaw down where he'd just PULLED out a tooth 2 days ago. I started pretending I was Gollem from Lord of the Rings in the last one where he bites off Frodo's finger to get the ring. oh...nothing would have made me happier. Then I zone out again to some island or something and hear a beep...beep beep. I'm thinking fuckin professional courtesty turn your damn cell off...then I open my eyes and they're using some machine I've NEVER seen before: with shiny plastic cellophane or some shit on it. At that point I gave up and tried to fall asleep.

Finally he was done, and I guess I'm a queen cuz I have a crown (i know, bad, it's the drugs) in my mouth etc...actually...I had a dream that I was at prom and talked everyone into abandoning the queen tradition because it just kept women down where men wanted them (Yay conflict and feminist theory) and people were cracking tiaras left and right...anyway so he's like yeah, come back tomorrow, we'll pull out some more. Me, all drug mouthed, "thiched tuns?" Oh, which ones? You know little shop of horrors...where Steve Martin plays the evil dentist (Orin)? No? There's a song he sings, and that kept running through my head after he said: Well...you have extra wisdom teeth, 3 of them. We'll get those. I almost fainted. (in case you don't knowthe song...it'll be at the bottom of this email...)

Then he goes BYE BYE and dashes off to collect his bet money. There was a kid in the waiting room when I was leaving. He was holding his elephant and looking at me like i'm gonna give him a clue about how it went...I wanted to show him my bloody mouth, but I just kinda half smiled at him and walked out.
Guess what kids...I have to be back there again tomorrow. I'm fucking stoked. Someone shoot me...or intro me to a guy who knocks you out to fill a cavity....pwease?

DENTIST
ORIN: When I was younger, just a bad little kid My mama noticed funny things I did Like shooting puppies with a B.B. gun I'd poison guppies and when I was done I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head That's when my mama said

CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON: What did she say?

ORIN: She said, "My boy, I think someday You'll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay...Y ou'll be a dentist You have a talent for causing things pain Son, be a dentist People will pay you to be inhumane Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood And teaching would suit you still less, be a dentist You'll be a success (mind you...this is the chorus through out the whole song...)


CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON: Here he is, folks the leader of the plaque! Watch him suck up that gas! Oh, my god! He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good. Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade? Oh that hurts! I'm not numb!

ORIN: Oh, shut up. Open wide. here I come!I am your dentist

CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON: Goodness gracious!

ORIN: And I enjoy the career that I picked I am your dentist

CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON: Fitting braces

ORIN: And I get off on the pain I inflict. When I start extracting those molars You girls will be screaming like holy rollers

CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON: Dentist!

ORIN: And though it may cause my patients distress, Somewhere in heaven above me, I know that my mama's proud of me 'Cause I'm a dentist- and a success....Say ah! Now spit.