Growth

29/12/2001

The edges of my soul are pushing through my body
As if it's outgrown it.
The realization that I have outgrown
this phase of my life hits me full force
almost taking me down.
I feel the tneed to break free from
the confines of, of what?
Like a hermit crab I must
find myself a new home,
come to terms with this new me;
Seek roomer accomodations before I stifle.
When the hell did this happen?
Where do I go from here?
The future, my future is a swirling
mist of possibilities and mystery.
What am I to do? How do I move
safely from this me to the new one?
How long will I go with without protection
until I find my new shell? not shell,
maybe more like develop my new sanctuary.
I've shed my skin without knowing it.
When did I become this new person?
I no longer recognize my own reflection.
Only my eyes are familiar.
In between mes I don't know where to go.
With very little desire to go back,
and a little anxious about pushing forward.
Knowing I fucked up somewhere back there
and not wanting to do the same out there ahead.
Wanting a little guidance, at the same time
refusing all offers, determined to make it on my own.
Unhappy with everything that's been handed to me,
always given to me whether I wanted it or not.
Mostly not.
Being pushed into it all afraid to say no
then fucking it all up.
Trying to be someone I'm not,
although more than capable of succeeding, if I wanted to.
Unfairly and selfishly throwing it back at them
however unintentionally.
Feeling old beyond my years, not even a score of them
and simultaneously young, infantile.
Holding on to what I do know and
respecting the fact that there is much that I don't.
Eager to learn, but not sure what.

Glad there is someone.
Thankful to have found someone like
me in the mass confusion, by chance
and almost not at all.
Who like a compass I can always come back to,

"If they be two, they are two so as stiff twin compasses are two; They sould, the fixed foot, makes no show To move, but doth if hte other do. And though it in the center sit, Yet with the other doth roam, It leans and harkens after it, and grows erect, as that comes home. So wilt though be to m e, who must LIke the other foot, obliquely run; Thy firmness makes me circle just, and makes me end where I begun." (John Donne)

One who also knows they have much to learn
and many skins to shed, before coming their true self.
Encouraging me to take the first step,
and though I may feel vunerable to predators
he is there like an invisible force field keeping them out.
knowing when I find my me
he will be there
ready to embrace whoever she is.
I will grow used to my new reflection
and the only sign that I have changed
will be my eyes.
No longer open, now guarded full of wisom,
able to mask the inner workings until
I look into the eyes of the other foot of the compass,
my other half my whole. Then the shutters are flung off
my soul's window thrust open
inviting calling longing welcoming
You into mine and I into yours
warm pools of green and brown
The invisible force field taking shape appearing in its
true form.
Strong arms around me
strong chest behind my head
hands intertwined in mine.
and I see what was on
the other side of the mist.
A mirror.
Reflecting us.
And my soul settles into its permanent home.