Early warning for the ladies

I've come to realize that with time, my stunning good looks and my chiseled physique will one day turn into liver spots and turkey neck and arthritis-induced flab. Here's a brief sampling of what's likely to come.

Yes. That is indeed a combover. Hairstyle of choice for countless old farts that refuse to accept that their hairline has receded a good 5 inches or so. As if they're fooling anyone. My gorgeous, thick head of hair will undoubtedly thin in the next couple of decades, so you might see me sporting this chic look at a high school reunion or a Denny's early bird special somewhere. An alternative to the combover for follicle challenged individuals of both genders could be a nice wig. But what about Donald Trump? He has more money than most small, eastern european countries, and his toupee looks like he glued a rotting chinchilla to his scalp. Go ahead, Don. Splurge a little.

Socks with Sandals. Yuck. This has to be the biggest fashion faux pas within the under thirty set, but becomes increasingly accepted the older one becomes. I think the appeal of socks and sandals has a direct correlation to how far back the hairline is. It might even be hardwired into the brain. In thirty years you might see me with my socks and sandals, a mickey mouse t-shirt and a fanny pack, probably carrying around my daughter's Barbie backpack.

The hottest accessory that every self-respecting middle-aged man simply must own: a gargantuan beer belly. A beergut is even more appealing when it's covered by a t-shirt that's a little too small, so the hairy navel is still exposed. The look is completed by a can of beer clutched by a pudgy hand. Who wouldn't be impressed by such style?

Trips to the grocery store to buy low fat soy milk and generic store brand cereal just aren't as practical in a flashy two seater convertible. After 45, you can't really drive a convertible because all of the wind loosens the adhesive on a toupee. To cart kids to soccer practice and dance rehearsals and slumber parties, the only viable option is the multifunctional minivan! With over 70 different seat configurations and special straps for child safety seats, it's really the only choice for the aging family man!.

I really don't know what to say about this... Apart from being the pinnacle of dorkiness, flip up sunglasses are a testament to old-fart laziness. The force, strength, coordination and time it takes to switch regular glasses for sunglasses are minimal. And just to restate the obvious: Flip up sunglasses are the pinnacle of dorkiness.

So this might be me in twenty years. Anyone wanna go out on a date?